(1925) Gentlemen Prefer Blondes - The Intimate Diary of a Professional Lady Read online

  So when I got through telling Dorothy what I thought up, Dorothy looked at me and looked at me and she really said she thought my brains were a miracle. I mean she said my brains reminded her of a radio because you listen to it for days and days and you get discouradged and just when you are getting ready to smash it, something comes out that is a masterpiece.

  So then Louie called us up so Dorothy told him that we thought it would be delightful if he and Robber would take us out shopping tomorrow morning. So then Louie asked his papa and his papa said they would. So then they asked us if we would like to go to see a play called The Foley Bergere tonight. So he said that all of the French people who live in Paris are always delighted to have some Americans, so it will give them an excuse to go to the Foley Bergere. So we said we would go. So now Dorothy and I are going out shopping to buy the imitation of a diamond tiara and we are going out window shopping to pick out where we would like Louie and Robber to take us shopping tomorrow.

  So I really think that everything always works out for the best. Because after all, we really need some gentlemen to take us around until Mr. Eisman gets to Paris and we could not go around with any really attractive gentlemen because Mr. Eisman only wants me to go out with gentlemen that have brains. So I said to Dorothy that, even if Louie and Robber do not look so full of brains, we could tell Mr. Eisman that all we were learning from them was French. So even if I have not seemed to learn French yet, I have really almost learned to understand Robbers english so when Robber talks in front of Mr. Eisman and I seem to understand what he is saying, Mr. Eisman will probably think I know French.

  May 2nd:

  So last night we went to the Foley Bergere and it really was devine. I mean it was very very artistic because it had girls in it that were in the nude. So one of the girls was a friend of Louie and he said that she was a very very nice girl, and that she was only 18 years of age. So Dorothy said, “She is slipping it over on you Louie, because how could a girl get such dirty knees in only 18 years?” So Louie and Robber really laughed very very loud. I mean Dorothy was very unrefined at the Foley Bergere. But I always think that when girls are in the nude it is very artistic and if you have artistic thoughts you think it is beautiful and I really would not laugh in an artistic place like the Foley Bergere.

  So I wore the imitation of a diamond tiara to the Foley Bergere. I mean it really would deceeve an expert and Louie and Robber could hardly take their eyes off of it. But they did not really annoy me because I had it tied very very tight. I mean it would be fatal if they got the diamond tiara before Dorothy and I took them shopping a lot.

  So we are all ready to go shopping this morning and Robber was here bright and early and he is in the parlor with Dorothy and we are waiting for Louie. So I left the daimond tiara on the table in the parlor so Robber could see how careless I really am with everything but Dorothy is keeping her eye on Robber. So I just heard Louie come in because I heard him kissing Robber. I mean Louie is always kissing Robber and Dorothy told Louie that if he did not stop kissing Robber, people would think that he painted batiks.

  So now I must join the others and I will put the diamond tiara in my hand bag so that Louie and Robber will feel that it is always around and we will all go shopping. And I almost have to smile when I think of Lady Francis Beekman.

  May 3rd:

  Yesterday was really delightful. I mean Louie and Robber bought Dorothy and I some delightful presents. But then they began to run out of all the franks they had with them, so they began to get discouradged but just as soon as they began to get discouradged, I gave Robber my hand bag to hold while I went to the fitting room to try on a blouse. So he was cheered up quite a lot, but of course Dorothy stayed with them and kept her eye on Robber so he did not get a chance. But it really cheered him up quite a lot to even hold it.

  So after all their franks were gone, Robber said he would have to telephone to some one, so I suppose he telephoned to Lady Francis Beekman and she must have said All right because Robber left us at a place called the Cafe de la Paix because he had to go on an errand and when he came back from his errand he seemed to have quite a lot more franks. So then they took us to luncheon so that after luncheon we could go out shopping some more.

  But I am really learning quite a lot of French in spite of everything. I mean if you want delicious chicken and peas for luncheon all you have to say is “pettypas” and ‘pulley.” I mean French is really very easy, for instance the French use the word “sheik” for everything, while we only seem to use it for gentlemen when they seem to resemble Rudolf Valentino.

  So while we were shopping in the afternoon I saw Louie get Dorothy off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So then I saw Robber get her off in a corner and whisper to her quite a lot. So when we got back to the Ritz, Dorothy told me why they whispered to her. So it seems when Louie whispered to Dorothy, Louie told Dorothy that if she would steal the diamond tiara from me and give it to him and not let his papa know, he would give her 1000 franks. Because it seems that Lady Francis Beekman has got her heart set on it and she will pay quite a lot for it because she is quite angry and when she really gets as angry as she is, she is only a woman with one idea. So if Louie could get it and his papa would not find it out, he could keep all the money for himself. So it seems that later on, when Robber was whispering to Dorothy, he was making her the same proposition for 2000 franks so that Louie would not find out and Robber could keep all the money for himself. So I really think it would be delightful if Dorothy could make some money for herself because it might make Dorothy get some ambishions. So tomorrow morning Dorothy is going to take the diamond tiara and she is going to tell Louie that she stole it and she is going to sell it to Louie. But she will make him hand over the money first and then, just as she is going to hand over the diamond tiara, I am going to walk in on them and say, “Oh there is my diamond tiara. I have been looking for it everywhere.” So then I will get it back. So then she will tell him that she might just as well keep the 1000 franks because she will steal it for him again in the afternoon. So in the afternoon she is going to sell it to Robber and I really think we will let Robber keep it. Because I am quite fond of Robber. I mean he is quite a sweet old gentleman and it is really refreshing the way he and his son love one another. Because even if it is unusual for an American to see a French gentleman always kissing his father, I really think it is refreshing and I think that we Americans would be better off if we American fathers and sons would love one another more like Louie and Robber.

  So Dorothy and I have quite a lot of delightful hand bags and stockings and handkerchiefs and scarfs and things and some quite cute models of evening gowns that are all covered with imitations of diamonds, only they do not call them “paste” when they are on a dress but they call them “diamonteys” and I really think a girl looks quite cute when she is covered all over with “diamonteys.”

  May 5th:

  So yesterday morning Dorothy sold the imitation of a diamond tiara to Louie. So then we got it back. So in the afternoon we all went out to Versigh. I mean Louie and Robber were quite delighted not to go shopping any more so I suppose that Lady Francis Beekman really thinks that there is a limit to almost everything. So I took Louie for a walk at Versigh so that Dorothy would have a chance to sell it to Robber. So then she sold it to Robber. So then he put it in his pocket. But when we were coming home I got to thinking things over and I really got to thinking that an imitation of a diamond tiara was quite a good thing to have after all. I mean especially if a girl goes around a lot in Paris, with admirers who are of the French extraction. And after all, I really do not think a girl ought to encouradge Robber to steal something from two American girls who are all alone in Paris and have no gentleman to protect them. So I asked Dorothy which pocket Robber put it in, so I sat next to him in the automobile coming home and I took it out.

  So we were in quite a quaint restaurant for dinner when Robber put his hand in his pocket and then he started in to squeal once
more. So it seems he had lost something, so he and Louie had one of their regular squealing and shoulder shrugging matches. But Louie told his papa that he did not steal it out of his papa’s pocket. But then Robber started in to cry to think that his son would steal something out of his own papa’s pocket. So after Dorothy and I had had about all we could stand, I told them all about it. I mean I really felt sorry for Robber so I told him not to cry any more because it was nothing but paste after all. So then I showed it to them. So then Louie and Robber looked at Dorothy and I and they really held their breath. So I suppose that most of the girls in Paris do not have such brains as we American girls.

  So after it was all over, Louie and Robber seemed to be so depressed that I really felt sorry for them. So I got an idea. So I told them that we would all go out tomorrow to the imitation of a jewelry store and they could buy another imitation of a diamond tiara to give to Lady Francis Beekman and they could get the man in the jewelry store to put on the bill that it was a hand bag and they could charge the bill to Lady Francis Beekman along with the other expenses. Because Lady Francis Beekman had never seen the real diamond tiara anyway. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said that as far as Lady Francis Beekman would know about diamonds, you could nick off a piece of ice and give it to her, only it would melt. So then Robber looked at me and looked at me, and he reached over and kissed me on the forehead in a way that was really full of reverance.

  So then we had quite a delightful evening. I mean because we all seem to understand one another because, after all, Dorothy and I could really have a platonick friendship with gentlemen like Louie and Robber. I mean there seems to be something common between us, especially when we all get to thinking about Lady Francis Beekman.

  So they are going to charge Lady Francis Beekman quite a lot of money when they give her the imitation of a diamond tiara and I told Robber if she seems to complane, to ask her, if she knew that Sir Francis Beekman sent me 10 pounds worth of orchids every day while we were in London. So that would make her so angry that she would be glad to pay almost anything to get the diamond tiara.

  So when Lady Francis Beekman pays them all the money, Louie and Robber are going to give us a dinner in our honor at Ciros. So when Mr. Eisman gets here on Saturday, Dorothy and I are going to make Mr. Eisman give Louie and Robber a dinner in their honor at Ciros because of the way they helped us when we were two American girls all alone in Paris and could not even speak the French landguage.

  So Louie and Robber asked us to come to a party at their sister’s house today but Dorothy says we had better not go because it is raining and we both have brand new umbrellas that are quite cute and Dorothy says she would not think of leaving a brand new umbrella in a French lady’s hall and it is no fun to hang on to an umbrella all the time you are at a party. So we had better be on the safe side and stay away. So we called up Louie and told him we had a headache but we thanked him for all of his hospitality. Because it is the way all the French people like Louie and Robber are so hospitable to we Americans that really makes Paris so devine.

  Chapter Five

  The Central of Europe

  May 16th:

  I really have not written in my diary for quite a long time, because Mr. Eisman arrived in Paris and when Mr. Eisman is in Paris we really do not seem to do practically anything else but the same thing.

  I mean we go shopping and we go to a show and we go to Momart and when a girl is always going with Mr. Eisman nothing practically happens. And I did not even bother to learn any more French because I always seem to think it is better to leave French to those that can not do anything else but talk French. So finally Mr. Eisman seemed to lose quite a lot of interest in all of my shopping. So he heard about a button factory that was for sale quite cheaply in Vienna and as Mr. Eisman is in the button profession, he thought it would be a quite good thing to have a button factory in Vienna so he went to Vienna and he said he did not care if he did not ever see the rue de la Paix again. So he said if he thought Vienna would be good for a girl’s brains, he would send for Dorothy and I and we could meet him at Vienna and learn something. Because Mr. Eisman really wants me to get educated more than anything else, especially shopping.

  So now we have a telegram, and Mr. Eisman says in the telegram for Dorothy and I to take an oriental express because we really ought to see the central of Europe because we American girls have quite a lot to learn in the central of Europe. So Dorothy says if Mr. Eisman wants us to see the central of Europe she bets there is not a rue de la Paix in the whole central of Europe.

  So Dorothy and I are going to take an oriental express tomorrow and I really think it is quite unusual for two American girls like I and Dorothy to take an oriental express all alone, because it seems that in the Central of Europe they talk some other kinds of landguages which we do not understand besides French. But I always think that there is nearly always some gentleman who will protect two American girls like I and Dorothy who are all alone and who are traveling in the Central of Europe to get educated.

  May 17th:

  So now we are on an oriental express and everything seems to be quite unusual. I mean Dorothy and I got up this morning and we looked out of the window of our compartment and it was really quite unusual. Because it was farms, and we saw quite a lot of girls who seemed to be putting small size hay stacks onto large size hay stacks while their husbands seemed to sit at a table under quite a shady tree and drink beer. Or else their husbands seemed to sit on a fence and smoke their pipe and watch them. So Dorothy and I looked at two girls who seemed to be ploughing up all of the ground with only the aid of a cow and Dorothy said, “I think we girls have gone one step to far away from New York, because it begins to look to me as if the Central of Europe is no country for we girls.” So we both became quite worried. I mean I became quite depressed because if this is what Mr. Eisman thinks we American girls ought to learn I really think it is quite depressing. So I do not think we care to meet any gentlemen who have been born and raised in the Central of Europe. I mean the more I travel and the more I seem to see other gentlemen the more I seem to think of American gentlemen.

  So now I am going to get dressed and go to the dining car and look for some American gentleman and hold a conversation, because I really feel so depressed. I mean Dorothy keeps trying to depress me because she keeps saying that I will probably end up in a farm in the Central of Europe doing a sister act with a plough. Because Dorothy’s jokes are really very unrefined and I think that I will feel much better if I go to the dining car and have some luncheon.

  * * *

  Well I went to the dining car and I met a gentleman who was quite a delightful American gentleman. I mean it was quite a co-instance, because we girls have always heard about Henry Spoffard and it was really nobody else but the famous Henry Spoffard, who is the famous Spoffard family, who is a very very fine old family who is very very wealthy. I mean Mr. Spoffard is one of the most famous familys in New York and he is not like most gentlemen who are wealthy, but he works all of the time for the good of the others. I mean he is the gentleman who always gets his picture in all of the newspapers because he is always senshuring all of the plays that are not good for peoples morals. And all of we girls remember the time when he was in the Ritz for luncheon and he met a gentleman friend of his and the gentleman friend had Peggy Hopkins Joyce to luncheon and he introduced Peggy Hopkins Joyce to Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Spoffard turned on his heels and walked away. Because Mr. Spoffard is a very very famous Prespyterian and he is really much to Prespyterian to meet Peggy Hopkins Joyce. I mean it is unusual to see a gentleman who is such a young gentleman as Mr. Spoffard be so Prespyterian, because when most gentlemen are 35 years of age their minds nearly always seem to be on something else.

  So when I saw no one else but the famous Mr. Spoffard I really became quite thrilled. Because all of we girls have tried very hard to have an introduction to Henry Spoffard and it was quite unusual to be shut up on a train in the Central of Europe with him. So
I thought it would be quite unusual for a girl like I to have a friendship with a gentleman like Mr. Spoffard, who really does not even look at a girl unless she at least looks like a Prespyterian. And I mean our family in Little Rock were really not so Prespyterian.

  So I thought I would sit at his table. So then I had to ask him about all of the money because all of the money they use in the Central of Europe has not even got so much sense to it as the kind of franks they use in Paris. Because it seems to be called kronens and it seems to take quite a lot of them because it takes 50,000 of them to even buy a small size package of cigarettes and Dorothy says if the cigarettes had tobacco in them, we couldn’t lift enough kronens over a counter to pay for a package. So this morning Dorothy and I asked the porter to bring us a bottle of champagne and we really did not know what to give him for a tip. So Dorothy said for me to take one of the things called a one million kronens and she would take one of them called a one million kronens and I would give him mine first and if he gave me quite a dirty look, she would give him hers. So after we paid for the bottle of champagne I gave him my one million kronens and before we could do anything else he started in to grabbing my hand and kissing my hand and getting down on his knees. So we finally had to push him right out of the compartment. So one million kronens seemed to be enough. So I told Mr. Spoffard how we did not know what to give the porter when he brought us our bottle of minral water. So then I asked him to tell me all about all of the money because I told him I always seem to think that a penny earned was a penny saved. So it really was quite unusual because Mr. Spoffard said that that was his favorite motto.